


Fleeting & Quick

by someonenotyou



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:53:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23286598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someonenotyou/pseuds/someonenotyou
Summary: Nadia catches Julian staring at Asra during the masquerade. She points it out to Asra, and also points out that Asra could do better for himself...by way of Julian.
Relationships: Asra/Julian Devorak
Comments: 14
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

“He is still in love with you,” Nadia said, absently. I turned to her, but she was not looking at me. I followed her gaze. My apprentice stood there, at the end of her gaze, dwarfed by the much taller Muriel who had been ever present at his side since they’d disappeared on their quest weeks ago. They stood chatting with Julian and Nazali at the other side of the ballroom. I might have missed them if it were not for Muriel and Julian’s heights.

“I think they and Muriel are doing quite alright.” I gave a soft smirk. It had been a surprise, to say the least. Before my apprentice had died, they had known Muriel but hadn’t given them much thought. After all, they had been with me. Now, I can see how they were a much better match than I had been with my apprentice. I chuckled. “Don’t worry, Nadia. I am not offended by it…”

Nadia turned her knowing eyes to me. Like the rest of her sisters, she had the ability to show that she knew more than she was letting on. Hers was a mind of mystery, which I appreciated in a friend. “Not them, Asra. Our dear doctor.”

My eyes shot back to the small group. Julian was not looking at me, but he had a habit of being quite obvious with his feelings. If he wanted to stare at me, he’d do everything _but_ stare at me. As evidence, he pointedly did not meet my eyes, and kept his gaze at the others, even when Muriel met my eyes and gave a small nod, prompting my apprentice to look my way and wave. Even Nazali looked.

Julian did not. He pretended to be interested in rearranging his hair over his mask.

I sighed. “I am afraid that may go unrequited, Countess.”

“Oh?”

“He and I did not end on good terms.”

“What terms did you end on?”

“Vague and angry ones.” I looked away and couldn’t help it…I crossed my arms. I found Nadia studying my face. “What?”

“Even after all this, you blame him for the death of your apprentice? Even after we have established that this was Lucio’s doing?”

“No…maybe. It is complicated.” I sighed. “I _know_ he is not to blame. Out of everyone, he probably did the most to stop the plague. He did everything he could, short of murdering the Count.”

“Which he did not do.”

“Yes. But at the same time…it is hard for me to separate him from my apprentice’s fate…and everything that has happened since. It is…easy for me to be angry with him.”

“So you do not have to be angry with yourself?”

I balked, but Nadia was right. I protested, nonetheless. “I’ve done enough punishment of myself.”

“And yet you still need to blame someone. Could it be that this happened just as it needed to, and nothing you or Julian did could stop or stem it?” She motioned to Julian. “You worked so hard to push Julian away, and yet…here he is. Exonerated, he has no reason to stay here. He and Portia could leave Vesuvia and leave all this trouble behind.”

“Are you saying he feels responsible, and thus stays? To placate me?”

“I think you are the reason he stays, even if he doesn’t realize it.”

I scoffed, but it was superficial. I knew how Julian was. He was one who fell hard. It opened him up to abuses and pain. At first, I was eager to pin blame on him. He enjoyed creating situations so that he would suffer. He was a victim, perpetually. Like he enjoyed pain in bed, he enjoyed pain in all aspects of his life. Being happy did not suit him.

But the truth was, he was in love with me, and he was suffering, and I took advantage of it. I knew it, deep down. Blaming him for the death of my apprentice was an easy excuse to extricate myself. He didn’t need someone to punish him as much as I needed someone to punish.

My status of love was…much more complicated to determine. “Yes, well. He needn’t stay for me. That will never be reciprocated.”

“Then perhaps you should tell him that.” Nadia looked to me, worried.

“I am not responsible for his decisions, Nadia.”

“No, but you are responsible for the hurt you cause others. If you left him as vaguely as you said, perhaps this needs proper closure. It is only decent.” She gave me a soft smile. “I was lucky. My husband died. Closure doesn’t get much more finite than that. Julian is innocent, and alive. He deserves decency and respect.”

I blinked, and looked away. Was Nadia right? Did I believe that Julian did not deserve these things? Had I, in my need to place blame, become his abuser? That had not been my intention. I could not argue that it was his tendencies that caused my behavior. If I were to place blame on Lucio for causing the plague, even if we had not yet even understood how, then how could I place any blame on Julian? What I did, even if he accepted it, was my responsibility. This was not a new notion. I had toyed with it in my musings in the long, lonely years since I had left Julian, and since my apprentice had been brought back to life.

“I will leave you to your thoughts,” Nadia said. She disappeared into the crowd to go talk to someone else, and those in attendance of the ballroom began to pair up for a dance.

I suppose now would be my time. Who knows if I would have a chance later? Things were so uncertain these days. I sighed to myself, resolute yet somehow still uncertain, and made my way over to the group. Muriel and my apprentice had already moved on, leaving Julian to talk with Nazali. I knew they knew each other, and their discussion seemed engrossing. For a moment, I almost abandoned my task, not wanting to ruin this small pleasantness in Julian’s life.

The band struck up a jaunty melody, and others began to dance.

Nazali caught my gaze and smiled. “Asra. So nice to see you.”

I could feel rather than see Julian tense up. He took a split second to school his features, I’m sure, and turned to me as well. “Hello, Asra! How is your evening?”

I smiled. “It would be better if…I could have this dance?”

The corners of Julian’s mouth wavered in his smile, and I could see the blush on his cheeks despite his mask. But he’d learned. He’d grown, since so long ago. “Perhaps another time.”

“I’m afraid there may not be much time. We need not dance. I merely…wish to talk.”

Julian’s voice came out in a faltered noise. I was cornering him between propriety, his nature, and whatever panic was coming up within him.

“But perhaps another time,” I managed. I gave them both a smile. “Please, enjoy your evening.”

I gave as gracious of a slight bow as I could give and turned away. Somewhere in those years, Julian had learned to say no. He’d learned where he began and others ended. He had learned that he owed me nothing. Perhaps, he didn’t need closure, as Nadia had said. I made my way towards the balcony for a small breath of air. My body was tense, and I hadn’t known it. How much of my strength did I gather by holding Julian under me? Who was I, now, that he no longer needed me as he did?

“Ahem…you wanted to talk.”

I turned from the balcony railing. Julian stood there, at the doorway, alone, one arm behind his back, his other hand at his jacket buttons. He was as tall and as handsome as ever. The auburn of his hair draped over the diseased eye. I remembered how much I had loved to run my hands through it.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt,” I said.

“Yes, but you are right. These are…uncertain times. And it is obvious you had something important to say.”

“Oh?”

“Otherwise you would not have come over.”

I cast my eyes down. Had I been that selfish? I had only spoke to him when I needed something? Did I never care for him? Perhaps absolution was only something I needed. Perhaps I was doing more harm than good.

“Asra.”

I looked up. “I was reminded today that…my behavior has not always been the best when it came to you. I wanted…to apologize. Before I forgot. Before things got chaotic again…or you and Portia left for better lands.”

“Better lands?” Julian chuckled. He went over to the railing and leaned against it, a respectable distance away. “You know that Portia and I would never abandon Vesuvia for a place more boring or calm or…good for our health. Besides, she is dedicated to the Countess, and I…I cannot abandon her again. Family needs to be a word that has meaning for me.”

“Either way. I was not…good to you.”

“Sometimes you were.”

“For my benefit.”

Julian shrugged. “You forget that I played a part in it as well. I was not as helpless as you thought I was. Or, as much as I wanted to believe I was.”

I draped my hands over the railing and stared at my gloves. “I took advantage of you.”

“I know.”

“And I blamed you…for…”

“Asra, I know,” Julian reached over, damn his gangly long reach, and placed a gloved hand temporarily over mine. I looked at it. Even through a layer of leather and a layer of satin, his touch burned. I imagined the murderer’s mark on his hand, hidden by his gloves. I imagined tracing it with my fingertips. “As I blamed you for it as well.”

Oh yes. I forgot. I had left my apprentice alone, and in their loneliness, they had turned to Julian. They had been something. Briefly. A distraction, and drawn together by their situation. I looked up and met Julian’s eyes. “I am sorry, Julian. Out of everyone in this whole town, you did the most to stop the plague. You went beyond everything expected of someone. And no one has ever given you credit. You were there for them…when I was not.You were strong where…I was weak.”

Julian smiled softly. “I’m sorry, too. I suppose it is easy to hurt when one is hurt. There is a strange sort of justification in there. Grief addled brains don’t always think so clearly.”

I scoffed a laugh. “Then I have never thought clearly.”

“I wouldn’t say that. There were some aspects of clarity that I appreciated.”

“Like what?”

“I…” Julian blushed again. “Maybe it wouldn’t be wise to speak of those things. To leave them in the past. Where some things belong.”

I straightened. “What do you mean?”

Julian swallowed, his throat working. I saw the blush begin to creep onto his neck. He straightened too straight, and fiddled a bit with his cravat.

“Julian.”

“I know you do not feel for me as I felt for you, Asra. I do not blame you for that. But…I want to keep the fond memories fond.” His eyes looked about for something to focus on. “Can’t I keep that?”

“Julian…” I took a step forward, and he took one back. “Julian.”

“If…I were to speak it, I’m afraid it would come to life again, Asra. I know we each…left the other but…that does not mean it was not hard for me. I…I loved you, Asra. That doesn’t mean you must force yourself to love me. But the reasons why I loved you never went away. And…I cannot tease myself with you again.”

“You…loved me?” I thought on it. I found myself hugging my own elbows, and felt a thrill within my nerves that clutched at my chest and wrists. I felt it down into my toes. “You never told me.”

“Because I knew that you did not feel the same. You still wanted…them. I knew I was always second…”

“And you love me now?”

Julian was silent. I couldn’t raise my eyes to meet his, but I heard his whisper. “Yes.”

Now I raised my eyes. “Why? I was horrible to you! You could have had anyone who was not so…cruel.”

Julian scoffed. “You always believed that I loved because you didn’t kick me out. That any sign of kindness was a sign of love. I was naive but not that naive.”

“Then…what?”

“Asra…I can’t…”

“Tell me…” I stepped forward once more. I reached out for him, then drew my hand back. “Please. I feel as if I am learning of something that I did not see. I was there but…didn’t know. I don’t…”

“Asra…I saw someone so brilliant and dedicated. So willing to move forward for those he loved. Kind, and gentle when need be. Mysterious. And…and delightful, in other ways…” Julian’s face flushed. “And a wonderful cook. But those are qualities. What am I saying? I just did. That is all. You were all I ever wanted, and you don’t know that until you see it. I had no inhibitions and perhaps…I don’t know, that scared you or…”

“No. No, don’t do that. Do not blame yourself for…being able to love and for wanting to love.” I couldn’t have it. “You are not responsible for me.” I thought, he was not responsible if I did not want to be loved. “You were right…” I whispered. “At the wrong time.”

“What?”

“You were right. The thing thing, the right…person…but at the wrong time.” I looked him in the eye. “I could have wished for you and gotten you and never knew it because I could not see you. And now it is all ruined, isn’t it?”

“I wouldn’t say that…exactly.”

“What would you say?”

“Perhaps…” He teased himself with it, for a moment. “I cannot just fall into your arms again, Asra.”

“I wouldn’t expect that.” I did, though. No, I wanted to fall into his arms. He was strong. I remembered how he could lift me. Not as strong as Muriel, but it did surprise me. But that wasn’t the point. I wanted to feel his arms about me, suddenly. His words meant something, but I wanted…to have him close. I blushed. Touch was never something I truly needed. I indulged in it, sure, but I never craved it. I thought of his hands, with his long, artful fingers, touching my skin with a cool and calm touch. I looked at his lips. Slim and dark, but he was a good kisser. I looked away.

“Asra…what do you want? What is all this about?”

“I truly did want to apologize but, now…” I looked out over the gardens. “I want to try again. With you. But…I don’t know if I trust myself. I don’t want to make a mistake…and hurt you again.” I scoffed at myself. “I am…thinking of all the ways I could lose myself. What if I am still the same? What if I return to…whatever drove me to harm you before? What if…I try to get away, again?” I looked over at Julian. He seemed lost in thought as well. “I want you so much that I fear myself. I don’t know if I trust my own heart.”

I placed my hand over my heart, absently. My damaged, half-there heart. How I’ve lived this long with this affliction, I didn’t know. No one knew of what I’d done. The price I’d paid to bring my apprentice back. I had learned to live with it, though. I could not run as long as I wanted. I grew tired quicker. Sometimes I hurt, everywhere. Sometimes the pain was sharp and focused, and I feared that it would be the pain that ended me. But I also had other symptoms. They compounded what had happened before I had made the deal. Before the ritual.

Isolation. Coldness. Callousness.

My heart fluttered as if on cue.

“Asra, are you well?”

I looked up to Julian’s concerned eyes. He’d removed his mask so that I could see his face. I didn’t answer his question, but reached out with one hand, as if to ask for his. He looked to it, then offered his own opposite hand. I turned my hand so that I met his palm to palm, and though my fingers were not as long as his, I traced the length of them with my fingertips. I glanced at his face; he was watching the movement, enraptured. I didn’t move. He met my eyes.

He turned his palm so that mine rested in his, and he pulled me close. Slowly, as if to keep either of us from flighting away. I felt his other hand encircle my waist, not obscenely, but…then I was aware of the music playing from the ballroom. A slow dance.

I looked up to him in question.

“I believe you wished to dance.”

I blushed. “You know I can’t really dance, Ilya.”

“I will show you.” And he did, as the dance he led me in wasn’t that elaborate. It was more of a shuffle. Part of a waltz, but not exactly. I had the small notion that we were moving, which was a large feat for someone who could be as animated as Julian. He gave me a smile that said he could not believe that we were this close, but, he was happy that it was so. “You see? There is nothing to it.”

I smiled. “You make some things seem so effortless.” And it was true. When he was confident, things fell into place for him. The right steps of a dance, the right notes to a song on his viola, the right words, the right look…

He only chuckled at that, as I am sure he had an argument against that sentiment. He could also be so clumsy, and could fumble over himself with a lack of grace. But that was not here tonight. I drew closer and, with a slight hesitation, rested my head against his shoulder. I felt him tense but a moment, then melt. His resolve shone through as he held me, his hands and posture resolute. Were these moments always there, when we were together? Did I just not see them, or did I choose to ignore them? Did I only see what was weak? Had I only seen someone who was weaker than I, in a time when I desperately needed to see strength in myself…where there was none?

Such is the way when one needs fulfillment from another. Perhaps…we both fell into that folly.

He held me that way for a while, and I allowed my worries to leave me. I forgot about Lucio, about my apprentice and Muriel, and even what Nadia had said. I could focus, for a moment, on just feeling him against me. His warmth, his form. The way his finger strayed to stroke over the satin of my sash, absently. The way his breath fluttered in my hair, and how close his lips were to my head. The song of the dance drifted away, and for a moment I didn’t realize the dance had ended. When I did, I shifted and looked up to him. He waited to see what I would do.

“Might I…kiss you now?” I felt the need to ask. Was it alright? Was I allowed? Was that even something he wanted?

He gave a slight nod, his throat working when words failed him. My hand came up to guide him to me, and I pressed a kiss to his lips, just enough to fit against him. His lips had always been soft. Slim, dark, and so sensitive. I wanted to tease him, but didn’t. We were not there yet. Were we?

He kissed me back, just a little deeper. The slight part of lips, his hand coming up to touch my jaw. My head was tilted back, as he was so tall, but then I felt his thumb graze my throat.

“I…”

“I lied. I could fall into your arms, Asra…” Julian said against my lips.

“Perhaps we should…stop then…”

“I still have my rooms…”

“I…” I could see how that would go. So many ways and yet all of them deliciously. My hand clenched upon his lapel in response, but, I forced myself to relax. “No…not yet. As…painful as it is to say.”

“Yes…it is probably for the best…” He cleared his throat. “Isn’t it?”

I met his eyes. Lust had pinked his ears and cheeks, and his neck threatened to blush as well. His eyes were lidded in it. He could never hide what he felt. “I want to think so…but I find myself having trouble with that.”

He stepped back from me. I held onto his hands, and felt cold upon his warmth leaving my. My heart beat furiously, and I was suddenly aware of it. The double beat of each pulse. Of…pain. Not the sharp, stabbing pain of a heart half there, but a full, flooding pain of something foreign and whole within me. My hand came up to my chest, and I gasped at it. The softness in Julian’s eyes disappeared immediately, and something within him…switched. No longer was he just Julian. He wasn’t sidestepping me, wondering, and toeing some imaginary line, wondering how far he could push himself without ruining his boundaries. His palm came to my chest, and then he was ushering me to a seat somwhere. “Asra…what is wrong? Are you in pain?”

Pain? No. It was…overwhelm. And ache. I looked up at him as he attempted to feel my pulse through a layer of leather, a layer of mesh, and satin. He pulled his glove off with his teeth - something that had me hold my breath and stare at him - and he pushed his fingers to my wrist, for what, I didn’t know. “Your heart rate is slightly elevated, but not dangerously so…”

“My heart,” I said.

“Your heart?” He moved his hand to my chest, and his skin was so warm against mine through the organza panel at the front. Even the satin layers were too thin to shield me from his touch. His eyes implored mine. “Asra, I need you to talk to me. And release your breath!”

I forced myself to breathe out. “My heart…it feels…”

“Tight? Weighty in your chest?”

“No…” I winced. “Complete!”

“Complete?”

“When…when I brought my apprentice back, I…bargained for them. I gave away a part of…of my heart…” I blushed in shame. It had been a dumb decision, but when asked, I had freely given it. I would have given my own life if that had been asked for. “Something is wrong, Julian.”

“Yes, I’d say so if you have been living with only part of your heart! Are you sure you are not feeling faint…”

“No, Julian…” I was suddenly transfixed by a glowing symbol that appeared upon Julian’s throat. He caught me staring, and his gloved hand went to his throat. “What? What is it?”

“That mark…” I reached up and touched the bob of his throat as the symbol flared and went away. Suddenly, the pain of my heart came back to me, and I realized that, somehow, Julian had been stemming the flow of pain. “Julian…you made a deal as well!”

“I did?” He touched his neck. “No, this…I thought _you_ did this.”

“No…and if it is disappearing, that means…” My eyes widened.

We were in trouble.


	2. Chapter 2

As quick as Asra had come back to me, he had disappeared.

Yet again.

To be fair, it wasn’t his fault. He had anticipated the urgency of his actions, but he had not anticipated the consequence of a world gone wrong. He had definitely not anticipated the dramatic entrance of a half-goat Lucio into the masquerade that very night, nor the flight of thousands out of the city. And I hoped that he had not anticipated the chaos that followed that required both he and I to remain apart.

That didn’t mean that I didn’t worry on it. It seems that this was what my mind liked to do when there was no other option. To consider all the far off possibilities that may or may not come true, and to remind me of all that had happened with Asra, and to insinuate on all the hundreds of meanings his silence and absence could mean. I tried to busy myself with what I knew to do: to tend to the sick and wounded. To reassure those where I could. To play the doctor to a besieged city once more.

When I saw him next, he was napping under the tree that served as part of Muriel’s hut. Or, he was trying to nap. He heard me coming, and opened one violet eye to look over at me. A soft smile played those lips, but like always, he was slow to react further. So, I spoke first. “There you are.”

“Were you looking for me?”

“I hoped I’d find you sooner rather than later,” I admitted. “Especially since the last we spoke, you may have suffered from an apoplexy.”

Both eyes opened. “A what?”

“Fit of the heart,” I motioned with a bag that I had in my hand. In the rush to get out of the city, I’d forgotten most of my belongings, but somehow had managed to grab this. I’d had no other clothes, so I was dressed only in my shirt and pants. I’d left the rest of my masquerade costume somewhere. It had proven to be a burden anyway.

I went over and knelt beside him. I opened the bag. “Most who suffer from it just fall over dead. Some are left paralyzed on one side, or become invalid.” I looked over at him. His attention seemed to be on the bag, but I knew he was listening. “I was worried.”

His eyes met mine, and he reached over to place his hand on mine. “I haven’t felt anything since. There’s no need to worry.”

“Even so,” I reached into the bag and pulled out a wooden piece that resembled two horns stuck at the tip. “I’d like to examine you…if not just to reassure the medical training within me.”

“The doctor within you.”

“I am not licensed.”

Asra scoffed. “Ilya. You’re a doctor.” He smirked and undid the red sash he always wore, revealing his shirt. It was ill-fitting, and he couldn’t button it past his chest. Even so, he began to undo the rest of the buttons, revealing his smooth, tanned skin. He pulled the shirt off and set it aside, and waited.

I steeled myself for a moment, and forced the part of me that was a doctor to take over. I could not carry this through while thinking of all the times I had touched him, running my hands down his chest and abdomen, enjoying the smoothness and warmth of him underneath me…

No. Not now.

I gently tilted his head up, if anything to get him to look away from me, and gently corrected his posture so that he sat up straight. I placed the broad end of the tool against his chest, over his heart, and leaned in so that I could hear out the other end. I could hear the whoosh of his breath, but also, the beat of his heart. I waited, but nothing wrong was revealed by his heart beat. Even so, I repositioned the tool where I could, and tried to ignore how close my face was to him, and how my hair brushed against him.

I sat back, then took up his wrist again to count his pulse. He was remarkably calm. “No headaches, no fainting spells?”

“None.”

“And when you stand, do you feel dizzy or lightheaded?”

“No.”

“No pain in your arms or neck?”

“What would that have to do with my heart?”

“Many who suffer apoplexy complain of pains in their necks, arms, and of course, their chest.”

“No pain.” His stomach suddenly gave off a noise. His eyes widened, and then he chuckled. “Although, I am pretty hungry. Food is rather scarce out here.”

I chuckled as well. “Well, don’t tell anybody, but…” I reached into the back and pulled out two packages. “The last of Mazelinka’s bread.” I handed him one. “Not as good as the pumpkin kind you like, but, she does wonders with rosemary.” I held one out to him. Unlike myself, Asra had no problems accepting gifts. He took it and opened the package, and took a moment to enjoy the scent of the bread, even if it was two days old. “Marvelous, isn’t it?”

I set the tool back in the bag and sat back to enjoy my own lunch. “I keep eyeing Muriel’s chickens, but luckily, no one has suggested taking them over for a bite. I didn’t think he had it in him to open his space to the city. Your apprentice has done wonders with him. That…isn’t to say he hasn’t had his own strength. He’s a good person. I just wish we were on better terms. It seems that he and I are too different to be good friends…oh…” I paused and I could feel myself blush. “Here I am, rattling off again.”

“I don’t mind,” Asra said. He took a bite of bread and looked up at me.

“You…don’t?”

“You have a keen perspective,” he smirked. “Sometimes.”

I wavered. “Asra…”

“Yes…”

“I don’t…” I paused, to think of what to say. I didn’t want to burden him with my worries, but they came at me like a flood. I know he wanted me to be confident, and strong, but…I couldn’t help how I felt. “I enjoyed our dance…and…the prospect of us once more, but…” I struggled.

Asra reached over once more, and this time took my hand. “Ilya, I know you worry. And I know now that this worry is not something you can help. I know that…it is a part of you and yet it is not always _you_. I also know I need to be patient. I cannot expect you to feel as I feel, and to be as I am at all times. I can’t expect it at all, actually.” He shifted closer, then pulled at my hand. I was forced to move closer to him, and found myself settled at his side. He set aside his bread to reach up and touch my face, and his fingers played with the bit of hair that always seemed to dangle in my eyes. “We need to talk. I need to talk more. So much was left unsaid between us. I could so easily get lost in myself, and I think you do too. I think this…barrier…needs to be broken. It…will take work.”

“Work.” I bit my lip, but searched his eyes. The violet within was calm and steady. “Then I will tell you. I fear that we are not compatible, Asra.”

His hand stilled, and I saw his smile falter. “Oh.”

“I fear that maybe we are hoping for something that cannot be. I am so…loud. And…I cannot sit still to save my life. I talk. And I move. And…I worry. I enjoy music and laughter and crowds. And you are so silent and still, so mysterious…you enjoy being alone, and caught up in…whatever it is you think and do not tell me. I fear…fearing you. And…I fear myself. I don’t…know how to do this aside from how we have done it before. And…and…I so desperately want it to work…I fear I will subjugate myself to placate you…” I trailed off.

Asra looked away.

“Please…please say something…”

“I know,” he said. “I…yes, I fear all those things myself.” He turned to me again. “And that is what I mean by work. I know that…to look at us, we do not match. And yet, I cannot…” He paused and ducked his eyes. “I hoped that this could happen. As…as in, since the masquerade. I wondered. I wanted to go find you, and yet, I thought…perhaps we need this time. To be ourselves and not what each other wants. And you found me, like you always do.” He looked up at me and smiled. “We tried so hard to put distance between each other and yet we are always right back here. Perhaps we need to try.”

I turned away. “I don’t know…Asra. I don’t know. I know I put on a brave face at the masquerade but…worry has a way of eating at me. It cautions me. And…some hurts are still so raw within me.”

“Then tell me.”

“What good would it do?”

“Let me know. Let me try. Please. I want to understand.”

“I…Asra…when you left, when we left…I felt my heart torn in two…” I felt myself well up, and did my best to hide it. I brushed away the tear and cleared my throat. “I felt low in ways I never thought possible. I was broken, and no, not just by what happened between us but…I knew I could not turn to you when I needed to, and I knew that before we parted. I cannot…” I choked up on my own voice. “I cannot remain stoic. I am not that man. I am…I cannot hide myself if it makes you feel better.” I turned to him then. A tear fell freely. “This is who I am, Asra. And when we dissolved, it _hurt_. I hated you for a long time! And…desperately wished for us to come together again. How can I know…that I will not be pained so again…?”

Asra’s touch was gentle and warm as he reached up to brush the tear away. His face was pained, which said a lot for someone who kept his feelings to himself. “I am sorry, Julian. I can’t say I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I think…I didn’t think I did as much as it is now apparent that I did. Please…do not hide yourself for me. I won’t…love you less for it. How can I? I was stupid, Julian. I was…not ready for…anybody.” He implored me, looking into my eyes. “I…you know that, before you, I had tried to have something with Muriel?”

“Heh…what?” I tried not to laugh at that, and sniffed. I thought, then laughed. “Is that why he can’t stand me?”

“I…actually never asked.”

“Asra…”

“I hurt him too. That is what I am trying to say. It does not make any hurt I visited upon you justified but…I was not…” he trailed off. “I was not a good person, then. I was not good to you. And I know how this colors me in your eyes. I do want to try again with you. But…if you need time…I will give it. However long you need.”

“And…and if I never return to you?”

“I…” Asra paused. “I suppose that will just have to be something I would need to learn to live with.” He gave me a smile, as if to say he would be alright with that. But I knew he would not. “I could never force you to love me.”

“Love is not the problem, Asra. It takes all my strength of will not to…to…” I couldn’t voice it. Instead, I just wrapped up the remainder of my bread and put it in my bag. I gently sealed it shut and stood. “I want to believe in this. Perhaps I am just not ready. I wish I could change that, even in the face of an army and…war…or whatever Lucio has planned.”

Asra gave a small nod. He then held up the bread I had given him.

“No, keep it. Or split it with someone.” I scratched at the back of my head. I tried a smile. “We’re going to have to be fed and strong if we’re going to take on Lucio.”

“Yes, of course. Thank you.”

I tried to muster a good-bye or something, but instead just…turned and left. I couldn’t say good-bye. It seemed so final and I did not feel finality within me. I walked a bit a way before I tempted myself with a glance backward. Asra sat there, holding the bread I had given him, his face shaded by the shadows of the tree. I could not see his emotion, but then, it seemed normal. As if I was right there beside him, sometimes.

I moved to turn away, and he reached up with his hand to touch his face. A wiping motion, near his eyes.

I turned away and made my way through the camps. People waved to me, and I put my best smile on for them. A few people called me over to talk about scrapes or cuts, and so I tended to them, and somewhere along the way, I ended up parting with the bread in my bag. It was easy not to think of what had transpired when I was helping others, and I knew that it was just a bandage on an arterial bleed. It was just a temporary fix. But for a moment, I was able to forget…that I was the one who broke Asra’s heart this time.

I took no joy in it. I didn’t want that. I wished that there was a way to bring him to me, and to erase all the pain we’d caused each other in the past. I wished there had been a way to just…forget it all…

At some point I touched the mark on my throat, or where it had been. My ability to heal and heal others had gone away that night of the masquerade. And with that came memories I had forgotten I had had. Some of them were from the time I had spent with Asra. Some…very painful memories. Shouting matches. Anger and words said out of hate, on both sides. How I had pushed my own boundaries, and wanted Asra to do harm to me, more than he was willing to give. We had pushed each other. We had hurt each other. But I had been hurt. I was being so…selfish.

“Hey, Mopey McMoperson.”

I looked up from where I was washing my hands by the creek. Some people were washing clothes a bit down the way, but the voice came from behind me. I looked. Portia. “Pasha…sorry, I didn’t see you there.” I flicked water from my hands and stood. “What can I do for you?”

“I just came to check up on you. I saw you give your bread away and you don’t eat when you’re upset.”

I chuckled and took a seat. I motioned for her to join me. She sat next to me and smoothed out her apron, and waited. “I…talked to Asra today.”

“Oh,” Portia gave a nod. She knew I had wanted to talk to him. “How did it go?”

“I don’t think we will…be getting back together.”

“But…I thought that’s what you wanted?”

“I do but…” I shrugged. “I don’t know if I can let myself become part of that. To be so vulnerable.”

“But you said you loved him, Ilya.”

“I…do…” I bit my lip. “But sometimes love is not enough. And I do not know if he loves me. We can get lost in each other in the wrong ways.”

“But you can also get lost in each other in the right ways, Ilya,” Portia said. She put a hand over mine. I clasped her hand and held it close. I had gone far too long without her in my life, and every moment spent with her was a blessed one. “You two are two very different people now.”

“But what if…he leaves again? What if I push him to…hurt me?”

“How could you do that?”

“I am not a person that is designed for everyone to love, Pasha. I’ve realized that.” I looked to the people washing clothes, and switched to our native tongue. “ _Asra may say he wants to be with me, Pasha, but what happens when I say and do the wrong thing? When I annoy him? When I cause him to be angry?”_

“ _You should not be with anyone whom you fear.”_

_“And what if I do something…that he fears? We hurt each other, Pasha. We were not kind.”_

_“Do you aim to do the same things you did then, Ilya? I don’t know exactly what happened, but, you have grown since then. You are a stronger person. What is really wrong, Ilya? You are saying one thing, but I think there is something else holding you back.”_

I blinked, and turned my gaze to the creek. “There is something…”

“What?”

“He never…said he loved me. In all this time. _How can I dedicate myself to someone when I do not even know that he loves me?”_

_“Do you need him to say it? Sometimes, Ilya…sometimes people say it without saying it.”_

_“He is so closed off, I need to hear the words. I need to know it. I cannot deal with uncertainties. Not with him. Can’t you see, Pasha? I need to know. I need to feel it and I need to hear it. Only then…can I be with him. Otherwise…I am just returning to how things were and letting myself be hurt. I no longer desire that. I know what I need, and I cannot create pain for myself anymore.”_

_“Then I will go over there and make him say it!’_ Portia went to stand, but I pulled her back down. I chuckled.

“No, Pasha. You cannot make him say it. He has to say it himself. I cannot make him say it, either. And that is all I’ve wanted to hear from him.” I tried to give her a reassuring smile to contrast the concerned look she gave me. “Perhaps it will never happen. Perhaps I just need to wait more. But there are other things to worry on. I shall be alright.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.” I pulled her hand to my lips and kissed her knuckles. “Thank you. Just knowing you’d support me has lifted my spirits enough.”

“Enough to eat?”

“Maybe.”

Portia grinned and produced a small satchel from where it was tucked in her apron. She opened it to show some crackers, a bit of white cheese, and a few flakes of jerky.

“You spoil me.” I chuckled as I took some food, and bumped my shoulder with hers. Or attempted to. It was more like my elbow. She got the gist, though, and bumped me back, a smile on her face.


End file.
